Meandertron

Okay, I ended up turning this post into an edition of my music editorial in Montreal's The Mirror. To see the final version, which reads a lot less like the drunken rant that this is, check my other blog HERE (Disco Volante)

Ah, Montreal! My heart swells to hear her name! Montreal! The only city where, instead of getting chased down and given a fine for skateboarding, cycle-cops give you props on your slicin’ manhole-gap-to-intersection-manual. True story. I ask of you: where else can a guy get bought a $200 bottle of champagne for thoughtfully complimenting an errant economist on his smashing socks-shirt match? Never mind that I was rolling with the sweetest chicas in the bar; that’s just details. Indeed, when thousands of queers flood in town for grand-scale debauchery and general fuck-wittery, how many other business communities take the laudable official policy of, “Word up. Let’s get stoopid.” Yes, Montreal, penultimate location to find crotch-bustingly beautiful people, second only to downtown Barcelona. Orrelay, gato! Yup, here and only here does a guy get heard rockin’ !!! and LCD Soundsystem at an all-night rager, then subsequently get asked to DJ a wedding. Seriously. It’s been a wild month, I tell you.

Today I met the guy who did all the hairstyles for the X-Files series, and a bunch of Hollywood movies. WHO GIVES A FUCK ABOUT FUCKING TV!!!??? Interesting enough chap, though. He came in wondering where we got our elegant sofas. Yeah, that’s how we roll. You might think, by reading this post, that I am a self-interested coke-monger. You might think, by seeing the way I bash my head against the wall, metaphorically and otherwise, that I am touched by dark gods. You might think, following a google.ca search, that I am a lush. Anyone ever heard “crap kraft dinner” by Hot Chip?

“Lasting, Permanent, and Sustainable”

Those three words are officially slated to be the replacement jargon which will be used in the coming weeks in lieu of “enduring”, according to an exhaustive study conducted by me, this morning, while I smoked cigarettes and read the news. The study concluded that the conspicuous appearance of these three words in press releases from several nations today, most notably the United States, in reference to a nonexistent cease-fire in Lebanon, will also be used to describe Israel’s occupation of Northern Lebanon, now that they’ve intentionally fucked their chances of establishing a UN security force in the area (The words promise, jointly, to characterize my newfound disdain for the Canadian news media’s devised ignorance of this painfully obvious move. See below for idiotic, nearly-identical quotes from the CBC and the Globe and Mail).

You heard right: after demanding that the UN’s replacement force to control Hezbollah be “robust” (also a new hot term in the propaganda market), and heavily armed, a request that the UN filed under I, for “In your dreams, fascist nutbars”, the Israeli military blasted a UN observer outpost sky-high to ensure the UN’s official position continues to mount against the invasion. “Why?” you ask? Well, here’s the scoop. The US and Israel have been attempting to destabilize public opinion of the UN for years, measures including withheld funding, militaristic juntas in UN sessions, and a stack of media propaganda big enough to shake a Scud at. Now that Canada has joined in on the fun, with Neo-Crony, Stephen Harper at the helm, the right wing nations of the UN have decided that this is the time to strike a media blow at the UN’s credibility. About time, I say! Those filthy, do-gooder centre-lefties at the UN are one step away from blowing our cover in the Middle East! Huzzah!

The plan, which I’d call devious at worst, genius at most generous, is to extract a statement contrary to the invasion from, oh let’s say, Kofi Annan, the UN’s kooky, moderate Secretary-General, who has had a recent penchant for anti-fascism that rightly shivers the proverbial timbers of Neo-Conservatives and PNAC members the world over. As it were, that statement would be that the attack on a UN outpost seemed "apparently intentional." Ten phonecalls? Seriously Kofi, people spend a hell of a lot more effort to no avail than that to stop Israel from destroying their houses. Once the UN is established as 'against Israel' in the eyes of the international news media, right wing governments are set to begin lambasting the UN with charges as wild as “sympathetic to known terrorist groups” or something of the like (Don’t believe me? Wait three days). From there, I’ll bite my tongue ‘till my next post, as I piece together the strategy. Here’s the trailer: destabilize UN; cover up major massacre in Lebanon; stage attack in Gaza strip, then retaliate…

In the mean time, here’s some damning evidence that the Canadian news media will use this project to get Stephen Harper re-elected to a majority in a surprise election in, oh, let’s say, early October, caused by a no-confidence vote over the softwood thing:

“Prime Minister Stephen Harper says he doesn't believe Israel deliberately attacked a United Nations post, a bombing that resulted in the deaths of four UN observers, including a Canadian, in southern Lebanon.”

"He said he wants to find out why the UN post was attacked, but also why 'it remained manned during what is now, more or less, a war.'"

CBC news, Wednesday, July 26

"Prime Minister Stephen Harper said Wednesday he doubts that the fatal bombing of a United Nations observer post in southern Lebanon was a deliberate act."

"He said Ottawa now wants to know why the UN post was attacked and why it remained occupied during 'what is now more or less a war.'"

Globe and Mail, Wednesday, July 26

Chance trip to the dark continent.

It was in a sterile, 4-storey youth hotel just off of the vibrant Las Ramblas of downtown Barcelona that my quick-witted, smooth-talking brother, Riley, and I were holed up on Christmas Eve. This was the kind of place that you were as likely to be rooming with an alcoholic Brazilian linguist as a stout, commanding, tribal prince from the shores of Togo and his decrepit German wife. True story. What a prick that guy was…

Between the three alluring Mexicanas, the Chinese-American college boys and their two Japanese companions, stock was taken at 3 quarts of real mezcal Tequila, 7 pints of 75% absinthe, and a few loaves of bread. With the gram of dry shwag that my brother and I scored off of insert-Tunisian-here, we were perhaps a tad hungry, but no worse for our wares. Spain nobly retains at least a shade of its Christian heritage, duly closing stores for the holidays, leaving us without mix and thus no choice but to chase the absinthe with tequila shooters. Not to embellish too much my inebriated endeavors, I will say that the ensuing holiday bender falls no short of my Top 3 Most Mashed, and landed me some distressing health conditions, and even worse sexual straits, which will be left to the reader’s right hemisphere. The gem of this, however, is that on Christmas day I had a poignant conversation with Tsu-Tomu, one of our derelict holiday number, who was a sushi chef and former professional football player, ostensibly residing in San Diego, California. Our none-too extended dialogue marked the man’s chiseled, feline face in my mind.

From Barcelona, Riley and I headed south along the Costa del Sol, then westward, to Granada, where we arrived shortly before new years. Amongst the classic, Moorish architecture, shoved between the tiered hills which are alive with modern-day cave-dwellers and hidden squatter communities, my dear brother and I continued our feverish photographical quest. After a minor spat with my brother, the content of which escapes me, I went for a walk around the cobbled, labyrinthine streets, crowded by the closely-packed buildings. It was on this walk that I would chance upon my would-be friend Tsu-Tomu, who had abandoned his guide-book-following companions in favor of the impromptu adventuring sought by a minority of backpackers, of whose number I count myself part. He was on his way to Africa, weary of the padded thrills of continental Europe.

And that’s how I ended up on a midnight boat to the infamous Tangiers, Morocco.

Windbags and wingdings.

It’s a sultry evening on the Plateau, and after an invigorating conference at the Deli over what the DJ monikers of all the freaks meandering by should be, I’m retiring back to the keyboard. I scan the news. Condoleezza Rice is at it again, off to Lebanon to churn up support for Chevron’s new petroleum additives, before skipping off to Israel to strike up a deal with Ehudiot Olmert over upcoming arms trading. Those Yankees sure know how to double-time developing nations. The protection racket has never been better. Stephen Harper’s probably at home having wet dreams about being taken advantage of by American businesswomen. After Powell, then Rice, I reckon they should get a black female gay to be head of the Ministry of Truth. Maybe a single mother on welfare, too. Keep narrowing the image until it’s the ultimate statement of fluffy, American diversity.

Bloc Party’s playing on my stereo. Balroom was rad last night. I seem to have leveled off my downward spiral as of late. I’ve curtailed the self destruction to what could probably be described as responsible moderation. Unfortunately, the artistic output is at a proportional relationship, leaving me with a sour disdain at my editorial and reviews of late. There were only three score wastoids and change, but, boy were we cuttin’ a rug. Balroom’s about the only place that has 85% of the clientele clapping, obstinate to leave at 3:30am Monday morning. Terrible bar, great people, unbelievable tunes.

I like how the UN will make aid appeals for Lebanon, but they won’t condemn Israel or the US over their fascist maneuverings. What would we do without Kofi Annan?

Polemics and Politics.

In an eyebrow-raising, if somewhat predictable editorial statement Thursday, Ed Greenspon (editor-in-chief of the Globe and Mail) publicly announced his allegiance to the Yankee propaganda machine, and unrepentant support of the Israeli invasion of southern Lebanon. Despite decades of intermittent oppression and military occupation by Israel, Mr. Greenspon feels that the kidnapping of two Israeli soldiers by Hezbollah members is, somehow, a politically unrelated and unique phenomenon that more than justifies the displacement of hundreds of thousands and murder of hundreds, including eight Canadians, so long as Israel issues a “heartfelt apology.” So let’s get this straight. If a nation is technically unoccupied, there is no reason to expect violent backlash from members of said state, even if the backlash is against a group currently involved in the demolition of a neighboring country (i.e. Palestine). Well that philosophy will certainly prove useful if our new prime minister’s diplomatic blunders lead any “terrorist” groups to retaliate against Canada’s newfound right-wing military maneuvering. We’ll have carte blanche to call up the Pentagon, get a posse together, blast their country sky high, take their oil, and call it “defense”. It was certainly a useful doctrine for progressive politicians of the like in the 30’s. “Oh ya, mien fuehrer, the French militants have inexplicably attacked our bases in Poland. We blow them up? Okay, ya, das is gute. Das is de antiterrorism.”

Okay, okay. Rewind. So what are the official positions of everyone involved? It must be said that the Lebanese government has already called for a cease-fire. The US is prepared to “perform a peace mission, when the time is right.” I can understand that. No need to go sending American ambassadors into war torn areas. Just wait ‘till the Israelis get the interests secured, then move in and implement the cease firing. Israel confusingly claims that it has no quarrel with the people or government of Lebanon. Their mission is humanitarian: free the peoples of southern Lebanon of the deplorable evils of Hezbollah, healthcare services, water, civil liberty, and food. Not too far off of the Neo Conservative Party’s platform for Canada, actually. Now I’m starting to understand. It’s an ideological alliance. Unite the right. Well, naïve old me, I should have seen it all along. And never mind Canada’s historical neutrality and peace-mongering, says Greenspon, because coalescence with military aggression is “refreshing.” We know, Eddy, you were getting bored of reporting all this disgusting peace and prosperity in Canada until Stephen Harper came along and started making real news. Okay, I’m with ya, buddy! What’s our next move? Let’s get all of the Lebanese, no wait, all of the Moslems in Montreal, send them to Gulags in northern Saskatchewan, and call it anti-terrorism. Good, old-fashioned preemptive profiling. Filthy militant bastards probably don’t even speak English, for God’s sake, THE national language. Not like you and me and Steve-O: real, white, Canadian Anglophones. The good old boys.

PS. I hope the terrorists hit your house first, you fuckin’ short-sighted, naïve Republican wannabe.